The End of Myself

I came to the end of myself. It was a blow to my pride, but I finally realized how absolutely incapable I was of doing what needs to be done. I locked myself in the bathroom, curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and sobbed. Who was I kidding? I had never worked with disabled kids before. I never had training in teaching. I’ve only formally taken one semester of sign language. I’ve never been out of the States before – not even for a week long missions trip. I melted down in the states when it was 85 degrees – what am I doing in a humid 108?

On a bathroom floor in southern India, I finally came to the end of myself. And in realizing my own emptiness, I asked The Lord to fill me with Himself. In Francis Chan’a book “Forgotten God,” the author asks the reader if he or she is living the kind of life that gives glory to God because the things they are doing could never be done without the Holy Spirit abiding in them.

As I sit in this humid 108 and teach sign to these disabled children, I can truly answer yes to that question. I’m not doing this. He’s doing it through me – moment by moment, sign by sign. And I am filled with gratitude that He would let this broken vessel carry the water of life, that He would let this inexperienced little girl watch him bring love through her hands, that He would let me come to the end of myself…. and find Glory.

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4 thoughts on “The End of Myself

  1. There are so many layers to our pride. It is entangled, hidden in so many areas of our lives keeping us from really loving others, really trusting in the One who is infinitely trust worthy. Welcome to the first step in a lifetime of coming to the end. Some people never find that road of freedom. Sorry for the sadness but change is scarry till the joy of freedom from self floods you. And the lovely delicious FRUIT of learning to do and to love in Him is more precious than gold.

  2. Oh Ariel, my heart goes out to you! I’ve been praying for you, and honestly I think it is a wonderful thing that you are fully realizing the need to depend on God for strength and love. I so wish that I could experience it with you, but I think it is special to those who have truly seen the spiritual and physical poverty of the world. Believe it or not, you can find joy, even in discouragement, because He is faithful even when we are faithless! It is an incredible thing to watch the Lord use you in the ways that He is, and I know that He will complete the work that He has begun in you for His glory! ❤

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